My Final TFA Pre-Institute Assignment

I wrote this while sitting at my desk in my WashU dorm room, before dinner starts on the first night of TFA. I should have done it last night, but I had other things on my mind. With that said, I'm really happy with the way it turned out.

Story of Self: Savannah Haas – St. Louis ‘11        

I graduated from UNC on May 8^th and on May 9^th, I was already feeling a sense of loss. Undergrad was over, and I had to leave the greatest place on earth. I didn’t initially want to go to UNC when I was in high school. I dreamed of going to my mother’s alma mater, Wake Forest. I’d been with her on visits over the years, and when I spent the summer after my junior year of high school in Winston-Salem, I was really convinced that I was supposed to go to Wake. I didn’t waste a second of time applying to the school, and I was accepted early. Everything was going according to my plan. Needless to say, my mother and I were thrilled, but the weighty price tag of Wake still hung in the air and crept into almost every conversation surrounding college.

            I applied for many scholarships at Wake and was chosen as a finalist for the Poteat Scholarship, a prestigious Baptist student scholarship that would pay for a large portion of tuition. I was only absent one day in all of high school and middle school and that day was the day I interviewed for the scholarship. I had done my research, I felt well prepared, but I still felt the pangs of nervousness when they called me into the room. I sat into front of a panel of seven men and women, all who seemed genuinely excited to be interviewing candidates, but all who looked old and stuffy. I left the room after the interview feeling confident: I knew I was going to get it. I just had to. When the small envelope came, with the WFU seal on it, I was riding home from an away softball game on an empty bus. I told my mom to open it and just get it over with. I didn’t get the scholarship… What? This isn’t supposed to be happening. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was supposed to do from this point. That scholarship was the only way that I was going to be able to go to my dream school. This wasn’t my plan!

            After a few weeks, I decided that I would accept my offer to go to UNC. I liked that it wasn’t in my hometown, but it will still close enough to home so that I could get home on Friday in time for dinner once I got out of class. I wouldn’t be the only one from my high school going to UNC, but at least I wasn’t like every other kid who just went to App State (the college in my hometown). I was excited to have a school  picked out, but I wasn’t like every other future UNC student: I didn’t grow up bleeding Carolina blue, I didn’t care about men’s basketball and I didn’t even know what The Pit was. But once I got to Carolina, my whole world changed.

           

           It was as if I was opening my eyes in a whole new world. I was still in North Carolina, but this place was magical: the grass was greener, the sky was bluer and the people were nicer. I had really found the “Southern Part of Heaven,” as we like to call Chapel Hill. During college, I did so many things on a whim that really affected everything about my identity as a Tar Heel. I applied to be an RA the night before the application was due. I signed up to join the women’s club ultimate team only because my boyfriend at the time was signing up for the men’s team. I signed up for the basketball lottery, not really thinking I’d go to a game if I got a ticket. I joined a health and wellness committee because someone thought I’d be a good student voice. I even took a first-year seminar class on Ethics and Children’s Literature that had a volunteer component of the course that had me in a kindergarten class once a week.

            Looking back, being an RA introduced Carolina in a new way to me: I knew every place on campus to grab a bite to eat, where to study and who to go to when anything needed to be fixed. I became president of Pleiades, the ultimate team, and helped our team take home a 5^th place finish at Nationals. The girls on that team became more than just teammates: they are my sisters. Not only did I go to that first basketball game, I scream and yell at the TV every time Carolina takes the court, and I felt the purest forms of love (and hatred) when I watched my Tar Heels beat the Blue Devils this past year on my Senior Night. That health and wellness committee produced my very best friend that I love more than anyone. I will never be able to forget the year we spent together. And finally, that seminar class put me in a classroom, where I felt a pull towards students that would later help me write my application essay for Teach for America.

            I love UNC more than anything. It will be a part of me for the rest of my life. I went into it with doubts and uncertainty, but after four years, I’m still wishing that there was more. My dad reminded me with each email during my senior year to enjoy the moments that I had left at UNC. I wish I had listened more, but I was too busy hoping that my final French papers would write themselves. Going to UNC taught me this: be open to things that you didn’t plan for. I didn’t plan to go to UNC. I didn’t plan to fall in love with the campus and the people. I just thought I was going to school. But now I know not to doubt things that God puts in my path. Clearly, I’m going someplace for a reason. 

Packing

<---- This is how I feel after being about 2.5 hours into packing for Induction and Institute. I have to fit everything that I need (clothes, shoes, toiletries, iron, fan, sheets, towels, etc) into suitcases that can't be over 50 lbs. I know that sounds like a lot of weight, but I think I will be bringing TWO suitcases that are both almost to the weight limit PLUS my backpack and maybe another small carry on bag. I feel like I'm not necessarily a high maintenance kind of girl, but I guess I just have a lot of stuff. Things would be a lot easier if I was a dude. Four pairs of shoes max, 3 pairs of pants, 3 shirts, a couple of ties. Wouldn't that be nice? 

I still have to finish up my pre-institute work tonight. I'm anticipating it taking about 3 hours or so to finish up these last bits. I've done almost all of the reading, but still have a couple of videos to watch and about 5 reflections to write up. What sucks is that I'm pretty sure that there are going to be people that come into this having done close to none of the reading, and they feel fine about it. I don't think I will ever be that person. 

I've also printed off a couple of things that I need for my trip tomorrow. I had to change my flight to leaving around 11:15 a.m. instead of my 2:30 p.m. flight because the 2:30 flight is only showing 2 seats left. I guess that's what you get for trying to fly standby. When I get to the airport, I'm gonna have to take a cab to WashU because there is no way that I'm going to be able to lug all of my bag around on a metro. It'll be a lot more expensive, but maybe someone else who is TFA will be getting in at the same time and will be willing to share a cab with me. It'll be nice to get to know someone else too, besides just saving some moolah. 

Schedule for tomorrow:

• 11:15 a.m. EST - Flight leaves for St. Louis
• 12:10 p.m. CST (new time zone, one hour behind EST) - Land in St. Louis
• 2:00 p.m. - Registration for Induction
• 6:30 p.m. - Welcome Dinner

My last tweet reads: "I leave for St. Louis tomorrow... I can't believe that it's here! Still a little nervous and a lot scared, but I hope it'll be great." I think that's a pretty good picture of how I feel. Undoubtedly, there will be some tears tomorrow. I love North Carolina and the people here, especially my family and close friends. Part of me feels like I'm going off to do TFA all alone, but I know that my loved ones will be supporting me (even if they don't think this is my best decision ever).

Wedding Day

Today was my dad's wedding day, so instead of worrying about TFA details, I was able to help him celebrate his marriage to my new stepmom, Lisa. With this means that I now have a step-sister and step-brother and am an aunt to four (soon to be five) nieces and nephews. They got married on the front porch of our house in a really pretty, little ceremony. It was small, but it felt right for the type of people that Dad and Lisa are. Lots of good food, family and laughter characterized the celebration.

But once the ceremony was over and everyone headed home, it was time to face real life again. I had to pack up part of my TFA suitcase for Induction/Institute (which I leave for in 2 days!). Also, I went with my uncle (who is now a life saver) to his office to get a copy of one of the important forms I am required to turn in during Induction. When I found out on Friday that I hadn't scanned this one form, I thought I was going to lose it. However, I called my Campus Health doctor and found out that she had scanned it and could fax it to me. I was SO relieved to finally hold those three pieces of paper in my hands... 

After I came home, I had to dig out my belongings from the basement in my dad's house. It was quite the task since I packed almost all of my clothes into one suitcase that had to have weighed 80 pounds. It was kind of ridiculous. But, once I just put my head down, I got it done in a surprisingly quick amount of time. Now the hard part will be deciding which clothes/blankets/shoes/things to take and which stuff to leave behind. It's really hard to pack for 6 weeks when you have to bring almost everything AND you have to fly on an airplane. I'm NOT looking forward to lugging that suitcase around once it's finally packed. I have to have a lot of things with me since I will be returning to dorm life for the next 6 weeks. 

Call me crazy, but I'm kind of excited about the living arrangements. It will be so nice not to have to worry about cooking after coming home after a long day of work. Plus, I really think that I'll be able to get to know everyone better by housing in the same dorms. I really enjoyed living the dorm life in college, so one last taste of college will be fun. 

Things to accomplish tomorrow:

• Go to Target and buy odds and ends that I somehow don't have already
• Decide what goes and what stays
• Finish up pre-institute work (SO much more time consuming than the estimates in the book tell you!)
• Print off all directions/TFA schedules for Induction

Here's to hoping that everything will get done tomorrow. 

On one final note today, I had to say goodbye to my Ceci and Coco today (my pet rats - yes, rats and NO they aren't gross and disgusting). I'm really worried that D.C. (my cat) will try to eat them while I'm gone. It is safe to say that Dad and Lisa don't really have as much affection for my little babies as I do, so if they get eaten, it's just one last thing for them to take care of. That's not to say that they want it to happen, but I wouldn't be shocked if I got an email telling me about it. But if it does happen, I will be incredibly sad!

Difficult Decisions: A Real Life Change

Sometime at the end of the 2009-2010 school year, after watching two of my friends apply to Teach for America, I decided that I was going to apply. I was doubting why I had chosen my major (Advertising) and feeling like getting in the classroom was the best fit for me instead, but I didn't know how to get there from where I was. I had been given the NC Teaching Fellows Scholarship to attend UNC, but I had given it up due to uncertainty. TFA seemed like my best option.

In November of my senior year, I submitted my TFA application with 10 minutes left until the 3rd deadline. I hadn't really done any other job searching, but I felt like I had a strong application. After each email informing me of moving on to the next round, I found myself sitting in my living room in February, getting ready to go to Pleiades practice and anxious awaiting the final TFA email that would determine whether I would be teaching next year. I opened up my email, and there it was: my acceptance to TFA. I was so excited to know that I had gotten a spot that only 11% of applicants get, but it said I was placed in St. Louis... huh??? That wasn't even in my top 5 city choices. Logan, my boyfriend who was sitting next to me, watched as I started to cry. I was excited and terrified at the same time. Logan encouraged me that this was an amazing opportunity, and I quickly posted a status on Facebook with plenty of exclamation points.

After I found out about my acceptance, I had plenty to think about in the 10 days I was given to make my final decision. My mom was so excited, but my dad was a little more than skeptical. After various tear-filled conversations, I made the decision to accept. It was such an honor to be picked to work towards closing the achievement gap! It was going to get me into a classroom in the fall, without having an education degree. After I hit the accept button, I didn't really think much about it except for when friends complained about not having plans post-graduation.

As graduation approached, I began to feel the effects of having to go so far away. My relationship was struggling under the weight of knowing that we would be separated by such a big distance. Logan and I had started dating the summer before my senior year. Despite my doubts, he always reassured me that we would be okay and that everything would work out. I also needed move out of my college apartment, head to the beach with my dad and play at College Nationals. Those things all put moving to St. Louis slightly further back in my head.



But once Nationals was over and I had less than two weeks left in North Carolina, my beautiful home state, things really started to feel real. After spending four wonderful days with my boyfriend (and going on the best date of our relationship), he made the decision that it would be best for us to break up. It wasn't a permanent decision, but it started to make me really question my decision to join the TFA corps. He still fully supported my decision to do TFA, but he felt that we'd be too busy to maintain a healthy relationship. By being apart, it would relieve the stress of trying so hard to make sure that our relationship was good and healthy. We loved each other so much, but sometimes you have to think about what is best for the future, he said.

Next, I found out that a few very important family members thought that I was making a huge mistake. They felt that I hadn't explored other options that would surely be better for me, but I could only see a blank future if I didn't have TFA. These revelations, coming a mere week before I was supposed to leave for my 6-week summer training, shook me to my core. If I didn't have their full support, could I really do this? Could I really move halfway across the country to a city I'd never been to? I sent an email to my TFA-St. Louis team asking for a transfer to TFA - Charlotte, desperately hoping that that would smooth my life out: I'd get back my boyfriend, my family wouldn't feel like I was making a huge mistake and I wouldn't have to leave the Tar Heel State.

Then my mom, her boyfriend and I spent a day in St. Louis. We visited many of the different neighborhoods to help me get a feel for the city that I was planning on calling home for the next two years. I was left feeling very homesick for North Carolina halfway through the day. Then I stopped by the TFA office, just to kind of say hello and put a face to the names of individuals whom I had been emailing for the last couple of months. I ended up getting a tour and having an important conversation with one of the head women in the TFA office. She was honest about so many things: St. Louis isn't a top pick for most TFA candidates, the city isn't the most beautiful or desirable locations and the corps is a difficult experience. But, she also reminded me that they picked me for a reason. They saw something in me that makes them want me in their city. That really hit home for me. I couldn't give up on the kids that would be in my classroom.

After coming home from that visit and talking to other family members who have always been supportive of my doing TFA, I made a mental commitment to St. Louis. I was going to go. I would honestly feel like a failure if I gave it up and worked a job that anyone right out of high school could get. That wouldn't guarantee getting Logan back, and that wouldn't mean that my family would automatically support that decision.

So now it's Thursday, and I leave for St. Louis on Monday. I still don't have a boyfriend, but he's still my best friend. I love him more than anything, and I believe that our relationship isn't over for good. I still have hope for our future. I haven't talked to my unhappy family members, but I can't make my decisions based solely on their approval. I need to do what is best for me.

So, am I really excited? Sort of. I still feel like I'm leaving the place that truly is my home, and I'm still somewhat questioning my inner ability to be this independent. But there are going to be over 100 new Corps Members that I will share this experience with. I really hope that we bond together, because if we don't I'm not sure how well I will handle this. Odds are that we'll become fast friends though. And I've got an interview! I'm so close to be having a guaranteed job and making a real difference in some needy kids' lives.