Difficult Decisions: A Real Life Change

Sometime at the end of the 2009-2010 school year, after watching two of my friends apply to Teach for America, I decided that I was going to apply. I was doubting why I had chosen my major (Advertising) and feeling like getting in the classroom was the best fit for me instead, but I didn't know how to get there from where I was. I had been given the NC Teaching Fellows Scholarship to attend UNC, but I had given it up due to uncertainty. TFA seemed like my best option.

In November of my senior year, I submitted my TFA application with 10 minutes left until the 3rd deadline. I hadn't really done any other job searching, but I felt like I had a strong application. After each email informing me of moving on to the next round, I found myself sitting in my living room in February, getting ready to go to Pleiades practice and anxious awaiting the final TFA email that would determine whether I would be teaching next year. I opened up my email, and there it was: my acceptance to TFA. I was so excited to know that I had gotten a spot that only 11% of applicants get, but it said I was placed in St. Louis... huh??? That wasn't even in my top 5 city choices. Logan, my boyfriend who was sitting next to me, watched as I started to cry. I was excited and terrified at the same time. Logan encouraged me that this was an amazing opportunity, and I quickly posted a status on Facebook with plenty of exclamation points.

After I found out about my acceptance, I had plenty to think about in the 10 days I was given to make my final decision. My mom was so excited, but my dad was a little more than skeptical. After various tear-filled conversations, I made the decision to accept. It was such an honor to be picked to work towards closing the achievement gap! It was going to get me into a classroom in the fall, without having an education degree. After I hit the accept button, I didn't really think much about it except for when friends complained about not having plans post-graduation.

As graduation approached, I began to feel the effects of having to go so far away. My relationship was struggling under the weight of knowing that we would be separated by such a big distance. Logan and I had started dating the summer before my senior year. Despite my doubts, he always reassured me that we would be okay and that everything would work out. I also needed move out of my college apartment, head to the beach with my dad and play at College Nationals. Those things all put moving to St. Louis slightly further back in my head.



But once Nationals was over and I had less than two weeks left in North Carolina, my beautiful home state, things really started to feel real. After spending four wonderful days with my boyfriend (and going on the best date of our relationship), he made the decision that it would be best for us to break up. It wasn't a permanent decision, but it started to make me really question my decision to join the TFA corps. He still fully supported my decision to do TFA, but he felt that we'd be too busy to maintain a healthy relationship. By being apart, it would relieve the stress of trying so hard to make sure that our relationship was good and healthy. We loved each other so much, but sometimes you have to think about what is best for the future, he said.

Next, I found out that a few very important family members thought that I was making a huge mistake. They felt that I hadn't explored other options that would surely be better for me, but I could only see a blank future if I didn't have TFA. These revelations, coming a mere week before I was supposed to leave for my 6-week summer training, shook me to my core. If I didn't have their full support, could I really do this? Could I really move halfway across the country to a city I'd never been to? I sent an email to my TFA-St. Louis team asking for a transfer to TFA - Charlotte, desperately hoping that that would smooth my life out: I'd get back my boyfriend, my family wouldn't feel like I was making a huge mistake and I wouldn't have to leave the Tar Heel State.

Then my mom, her boyfriend and I spent a day in St. Louis. We visited many of the different neighborhoods to help me get a feel for the city that I was planning on calling home for the next two years. I was left feeling very homesick for North Carolina halfway through the day. Then I stopped by the TFA office, just to kind of say hello and put a face to the names of individuals whom I had been emailing for the last couple of months. I ended up getting a tour and having an important conversation with one of the head women in the TFA office. She was honest about so many things: St. Louis isn't a top pick for most TFA candidates, the city isn't the most beautiful or desirable locations and the corps is a difficult experience. But, she also reminded me that they picked me for a reason. They saw something in me that makes them want me in their city. That really hit home for me. I couldn't give up on the kids that would be in my classroom.

After coming home from that visit and talking to other family members who have always been supportive of my doing TFA, I made a mental commitment to St. Louis. I was going to go. I would honestly feel like a failure if I gave it up and worked a job that anyone right out of high school could get. That wouldn't guarantee getting Logan back, and that wouldn't mean that my family would automatically support that decision.

So now it's Thursday, and I leave for St. Louis on Monday. I still don't have a boyfriend, but he's still my best friend. I love him more than anything, and I believe that our relationship isn't over for good. I still have hope for our future. I haven't talked to my unhappy family members, but I can't make my decisions based solely on their approval. I need to do what is best for me.

So, am I really excited? Sort of. I still feel like I'm leaving the place that truly is my home, and I'm still somewhat questioning my inner ability to be this independent. But there are going to be over 100 new Corps Members that I will share this experience with. I really hope that we bond together, because if we don't I'm not sure how well I will handle this. Odds are that we'll become fast friends though. And I've got an interview! I'm so close to be having a guaranteed job and making a real difference in some needy kids' lives.